Bit 'Bout the Baby

Dear Creator of babies

I have had Amira for nearly a year now and am very grateful. I have learned a few things but there are many thinks which are still a total mystery to me:

Firstly, why when a baby finds a roll of toilet tissue does it pick at it and throw bits around like cheap messy confetti – why can’t the baby just roll it around so it can be easily rolled up again; kinda like the Andrex puppy does, which You also created?

Secondly, why are her toys not toys to her? Why does she ignore them all to play with things like wires, toothbrushes, old shoes and hair?

Also why does she think she is an alarm clock? I do not just mean vocally in the morning but by the fact that she will sometimes, silently, crawl beside my head and wait for me wake up gagging because of the stink in her nappy.

Which bring me to why her poos smell like mouldy vinegar? I didn’t even know vinegar could go off.

Why does she like kissing her mummy but not her daddy, but like being carried by daddy over mummy – I must admit I get insanely jealous of this because while it could be argued that she simply likes being carried by daddy more, it could also be well argued that she doesn’t want to burden her dear mother and so yells for donkey-esque papa to do the heavy work.

Which obviously leads me to ask – why do they gang up on me with a nag, yell, nag, yell, yell, yell, nag, hands on hips, throw her dummy, double long stare combination?

Also if all common wisdom is that it’s best to demonstrate behaviour to baby so they can mimic it, why when I show her that food is to be put in her mouth does she think that  the best thing to do would be smear it on her cheeks, clothes, hair and for good measure her father?

On that point – why does she attack me with her spoon?

Why does she attack me with her dummy?

Why does she attack me with DVD cases? Are all babies film critics?

In fact why does she attack me with almost anything that comes in to her hands?

Why does she attack me with her bare hands?

Where did she learn the subtle art of gauging – be it my eyes, mouth or nose – I have never watched any kind of UFC or gypsy fighting championships.   

Nor have I ever taken her to a recycling centre where she watches people endlessly take one thing from one bag and then throw it somewhere else – why then does she love emptying stuff all the live long day?

And lastly – I know my list has gone on and I apologise – but why does she get so much more adventurous and brave in just a nappy? I do not buy her nappies with a big ‘S’ on the front.

Anyway, thank You for giving her to me and for all the mysteries, I wouldn’t wanna change a thing.